He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
