Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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