This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
