Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
