My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
