someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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