You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
