The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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