Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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