i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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