that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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