It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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