i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
