I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
