Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
