So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
