Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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