She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
