Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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