Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
