ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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