so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
