Got a toothbrush?
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
