Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize