Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
