Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
