So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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