I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize