Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
