im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You were trust falling into bushes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize