So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
