I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
