if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
