my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this boner is exhausting
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
