i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize