You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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