Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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