You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
