I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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