i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i love accidental penises.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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