Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
