Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
