Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
