I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
