sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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