Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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