He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
