he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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