the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
