After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
did i walk over a car last night?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
