i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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