Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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