The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize