Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
