I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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