How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
