why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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