I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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