she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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