why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
